Everything is back to normal (for now).
Thank goodness, i wasn't sure how much I could take/ what my breaking point would be.
None the less I'm stoked for Work Weekend in like a week! :)
Gotta keep moving forward
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
Remembering to breathe and other important things...
Okay quick update, since my last blog I've patched things up which is good. Friendships take work and shouldn't be taken for granted, I'm working on this everyday.
Anyways. It's Monday and I'm already stressed to the max, which if you know me, is never ever a good thing. I really hate being stressed but at least right now it's stress because I'm worried (caring) about someone. For me that's easier to handle than school stress and what not. Sometimes though, I get so amazingly caught up in stuff that I feel like I forget to breathe, I mean this metaphorically, it's just that when everything is so crazy sometimes you can bring yourself back to earth and that's how I feel right now. It's super ironic because we've been doing these assignments in English and one question was how have life's experiences affected your views. And I wrote, no lie, don't sweat the small stuff. Which is exactly what I'm doing. I need to relax and do what I can to help but not let things consume me.
"you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink."
"you can offer your hand but the other person has to take it."
More later.
Anyways. It's Monday and I'm already stressed to the max, which if you know me, is never ever a good thing. I really hate being stressed but at least right now it's stress because I'm worried (caring) about someone. For me that's easier to handle than school stress and what not. Sometimes though, I get so amazingly caught up in stuff that I feel like I forget to breathe, I mean this metaphorically, it's just that when everything is so crazy sometimes you can bring yourself back to earth and that's how I feel right now. It's super ironic because we've been doing these assignments in English and one question was how have life's experiences affected your views. And I wrote, no lie, don't sweat the small stuff. Which is exactly what I'm doing. I need to relax and do what I can to help but not let things consume me.
"you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink."
"you can offer your hand but the other person has to take it."
More later.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
:/
I hate Valentine's Day.
Okay so maybe I shouldn't have such strong feeling for a day but I do. And maybe I hate it because I've never been dating anyone on Valentine's Day. That must be it. The best Valentine's Day I can recall happened when I was in 6th grade. My two youth group leaders, Brittany and Janelle, brought me a little gift bag and a carnation and dropped it off in my school office. I felt so special getting to be the one in my class going to the office to pick something up....good times. Anyways, I thought this year might actually top that. This year my "best friend" (and I say it like that because I don't even know if we're still friends, let alone best friends)and I were going to go all out for each other. Cards, gifts, dinner the whole thing. We're both single and figured it would be fun. And then Tuesday the 2nd of February happened.
I arrived at school early much like any other day and ventured down to one of our teacher's rooms because I had a question in regard to using the school sound system for our French Club's Mardi Gras celebration that was going to be off site. I was pretty sure my "best friend" would be in his room which would make leaving the comfort of my car that much better and we pretty much met up and talked every morning anyway. So I open the door and there she is. "Cool" I think to myself.I open my mouth to say good morning, how are you and am met with. "I'm NOT having a good morning I DON'T want to talk about it LEAVE ME ALONE." Well, if you couldn't guess that kinda set the tone for my day. So I said (as politely as possible) "Well actually I didn't come in here to talk to you. I came because I need to talk to Mr.E". "Oh" she says and then stands there and (what felt to me) starred my down. So I left. I could take care of sound system business later. She ignored me the rest of the day. Was I hurt? You bet. So I decided the next day I would not speak to her. I wasn't rude about (or at least I wasn't trying to be) she asked "are you not speaking to me?" and I simply answered "yes". I didn't ignored her, I still looked at her and whatnot and if there had been some monumental thing I needed to say I would have. ( I realize now maybe this wasn't the best plan but I was trying to make a point). So the next day I get to class (we have 1st period together) she doesn't say anything to me. She doesn't walk with me to 2nd. I realize she's mad and have all intentions of apologizing to her ASAP. I see her coming toward me between 3rd and 4th. She says "Are you speaking to me today?" and I answer "Yes, and..." before I can finish and apologize for the previous day and tell her why I did what I did I'm met with "Well to bad. Because I'm mad at you and not speaking to you still." (Don't quote me on any of this) Then she turns and walks away from me. And since that point almost 2 weeks ago we haven't spoken.
And here's the thing. Part of me is relieved, not because I don't love and care about her but because, I realize now, that without all of our stupid drama and sillyness I have no major attachment to high school. Sure I have other friends, some I will stay close to forever, some I won't. But without her around I could close up. I not being vulnerable, and not really having fun. I'm closed off. Just going through the motions and emotions of each day. And the other part of me is ready to break down and cry. I miss a lot about our friendship. There I said it. So every time I've said I'm glad, I'm good, I happy to be rid of the drama. It's true but not completely. There's still part of me that's not ready to let go and give up.
So here it is: I'm sorry. Maybe it wasn't right for me to do what I did. But at the same time friends don't get mad at friends over things they didn't do. All I wanted to do is reach out and make sure you were okay.
I know that neither one of us is perfect. I know that I have drama and I can be as annoying as hell. She can too. But that's why we've always been there for one another. Why we love each other.
I still love you. I still care. I miss you. I'm sorry. Let's start over, try again. Take things slow and use words. Okay?
I still want to know when you find the best hotdog stand :)
Okay so maybe I shouldn't have such strong feeling for a day but I do. And maybe I hate it because I've never been dating anyone on Valentine's Day. That must be it. The best Valentine's Day I can recall happened when I was in 6th grade. My two youth group leaders, Brittany and Janelle, brought me a little gift bag and a carnation and dropped it off in my school office. I felt so special getting to be the one in my class going to the office to pick something up....good times. Anyways, I thought this year might actually top that. This year my "best friend" (and I say it like that because I don't even know if we're still friends, let alone best friends)and I were going to go all out for each other. Cards, gifts, dinner the whole thing. We're both single and figured it would be fun. And then Tuesday the 2nd of February happened.
I arrived at school early much like any other day and ventured down to one of our teacher's rooms because I had a question in regard to using the school sound system for our French Club's Mardi Gras celebration that was going to be off site. I was pretty sure my "best friend" would be in his room which would make leaving the comfort of my car that much better and we pretty much met up and talked every morning anyway. So I open the door and there she is. "Cool" I think to myself.I open my mouth to say good morning, how are you and am met with. "I'm NOT having a good morning I DON'T want to talk about it LEAVE ME ALONE." Well, if you couldn't guess that kinda set the tone for my day. So I said (as politely as possible) "Well actually I didn't come in here to talk to you. I came because I need to talk to Mr.E". "Oh" she says and then stands there and (what felt to me) starred my down. So I left. I could take care of sound system business later. She ignored me the rest of the day. Was I hurt? You bet. So I decided the next day I would not speak to her. I wasn't rude about (or at least I wasn't trying to be) she asked "are you not speaking to me?" and I simply answered "yes". I didn't ignored her, I still looked at her and whatnot and if there had been some monumental thing I needed to say I would have. ( I realize now maybe this wasn't the best plan but I was trying to make a point). So the next day I get to class (we have 1st period together) she doesn't say anything to me. She doesn't walk with me to 2nd. I realize she's mad and have all intentions of apologizing to her ASAP. I see her coming toward me between 3rd and 4th. She says "Are you speaking to me today?" and I answer "Yes, and..." before I can finish and apologize for the previous day and tell her why I did what I did I'm met with "Well to bad. Because I'm mad at you and not speaking to you still." (Don't quote me on any of this) Then she turns and walks away from me. And since that point almost 2 weeks ago we haven't spoken.
And here's the thing. Part of me is relieved, not because I don't love and care about her but because, I realize now, that without all of our stupid drama and sillyness I have no major attachment to high school. Sure I have other friends, some I will stay close to forever, some I won't. But without her around I could close up. I not being vulnerable, and not really having fun. I'm closed off. Just going through the motions and emotions of each day. And the other part of me is ready to break down and cry. I miss a lot about our friendship. There I said it. So every time I've said I'm glad, I'm good, I happy to be rid of the drama. It's true but not completely. There's still part of me that's not ready to let go and give up.
So here it is: I'm sorry. Maybe it wasn't right for me to do what I did. But at the same time friends don't get mad at friends over things they didn't do. All I wanted to do is reach out and make sure you were okay.
I know that neither one of us is perfect. I know that I have drama and I can be as annoying as hell. She can too. But that's why we've always been there for one another. Why we love each other.
I still love you. I still care. I miss you. I'm sorry. Let's start over, try again. Take things slow and use words. Okay?
I still want to know when you find the best hotdog stand :)
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Check it Out!
First off I just want to say how excited I am for college in the fall. I can't wait to be done with high school. :) Cal State East Bay here I come! :)
Anyways check out my latest poem. It's pretty good.
Anyways check out my latest poem. It's pretty good.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Umm Hello? Can you see me standing here?
I kind of just realized that this weekend can go one of three ways:
Choice 1: It's amazing, we stay friends/get even closer; life is good
Choice 2: It goes pretty well; but there are still some pieces to pick up when its all said and done
Choice 3: It just sucks. and that's all there is to it.
I hope that it's choice one...but i guess things are what you make them, so to the best of my ability, i choose choice one and hopefully make it happen
Choice 1: It's amazing, we stay friends/get even closer; life is good
Choice 2: It goes pretty well; but there are still some pieces to pick up when its all said and done
Choice 3: It just sucks. and that's all there is to it.
I hope that it's choice one...but i guess things are what you make them, so to the best of my ability, i choose choice one and hopefully make it happen
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Interesting
It's funny...life that is.
A little over a year ago I would have just come home from Summer Camp Session 5 2008 and told you it was the best camp experience of my life, etc. I also would have told you that there were certain staff members I could not stand.
About a year ago I would have been starting my Jr. year and also being in my "Rebel without a cause phase". Which backfired on me, but hey I learned something. I also would have had my first serious crush...
About 6 months ago I learned that I had pretty much landed my dream job
About 4 months ago I was finishing my Jr. year...happy and loving life. Things were good and I had accomplished so much. I was sure life couldn't get any better.
About 3 months ago Jr. Year ended and I went off to South Lake Tahoe to work my "dream job" which ended up being more like my living nightmare. Bad experience aside I learned something. I also found out my dad had lost his job. He then proceeded to stop talking to me.
About 2 months ago I was still pondering what had gone wrong in Tahoe but worked through my issue and went on a college road trip to look at schools. I knew at this point senior year would not be a walk in the park but that this is what I wanted.
About a month ago I returned home from camp, started school , turned 17 and found out my dad might be moving to Washington. When I got home from Summer Camp Session 5 2009 I really was/am a different person. Being in the oldest cabin and in WOLP changed me in the best ways possible. The same staff members that I had once had gotten on my nerves had became one of the people I was saddest to say goodbye to. I have so many awesome memories. I also met someone that has become a best friend to me. School started with a bang. I tried my hardest to show how much I cared about someone and yet the gesture although received quite well was not returned. I turned 17 without so much as a simple card from my father. Instead I receive a grumpy phone call. It is also around this time that I find out he may be moving to Washington.
Last week a friendship blossomed. Fate I swear. I had met her at camp and we started talking. Come to find out we have so much in common. We have much to offer each other. Fate is surely what I would call it. I also completed, successfully, the first part of the physical project for my Senior Project. This was also when I found out my father would not be moving.
This week...I am taking things one day at a time. I am supposed to see my father after not seeing him for 3 months. I enjoy my nightly chats with my new best friend. I love her and everything we talk and laugh about. It's nice to not be judged and to have such an amazing friend.
Next week is the future...but I know that it will be great. I have not seen my best friend in 6weeks and I will get to see her. That alone will make the entire week special.
So needless to say 4 months ago when life couldn't get any better I was wrong. Last year when I was so sure of everything things changed for the better. And right now in this moment I can truly say that I am happier than I have been in a really long time.
Here's to new friends and amazing memories to come! <3
A little over a year ago I would have just come home from Summer Camp Session 5 2008 and told you it was the best camp experience of my life, etc. I also would have told you that there were certain staff members I could not stand.
About a year ago I would have been starting my Jr. year and also being in my "Rebel without a cause phase". Which backfired on me, but hey I learned something. I also would have had my first serious crush...
About 6 months ago I learned that I had pretty much landed my dream job
About 4 months ago I was finishing my Jr. year...happy and loving life. Things were good and I had accomplished so much. I was sure life couldn't get any better.
About 3 months ago Jr. Year ended and I went off to South Lake Tahoe to work my "dream job" which ended up being more like my living nightmare. Bad experience aside I learned something. I also found out my dad had lost his job. He then proceeded to stop talking to me.
About 2 months ago I was still pondering what had gone wrong in Tahoe but worked through my issue and went on a college road trip to look at schools. I knew at this point senior year would not be a walk in the park but that this is what I wanted.
About a month ago I returned home from camp, started school , turned 17 and found out my dad might be moving to Washington. When I got home from Summer Camp Session 5 2009 I really was/am a different person. Being in the oldest cabin and in WOLP changed me in the best ways possible. The same staff members that I had once had gotten on my nerves had became one of the people I was saddest to say goodbye to. I have so many awesome memories. I also met someone that has become a best friend to me. School started with a bang. I tried my hardest to show how much I cared about someone and yet the gesture although received quite well was not returned. I turned 17 without so much as a simple card from my father. Instead I receive a grumpy phone call. It is also around this time that I find out he may be moving to Washington.
Last week a friendship blossomed. Fate I swear. I had met her at camp and we started talking. Come to find out we have so much in common. We have much to offer each other. Fate is surely what I would call it. I also completed, successfully, the first part of the physical project for my Senior Project. This was also when I found out my father would not be moving.
This week...I am taking things one day at a time. I am supposed to see my father after not seeing him for 3 months. I enjoy my nightly chats with my new best friend. I love her and everything we talk and laugh about. It's nice to not be judged and to have such an amazing friend.
Next week is the future...but I know that it will be great. I have not seen my best friend in 6weeks and I will get to see her. That alone will make the entire week special.
So needless to say 4 months ago when life couldn't get any better I was wrong. Last year when I was so sure of everything things changed for the better. And right now in this moment I can truly say that I am happier than I have been in a really long time.
Here's to new friends and amazing memories to come! <3
Monday, September 14, 2009
Senior Year
Week 4 of school. I'm coming off the high of an amazing weekend. Like seriously it was a great weekend that involved a lot of super amazing conversation with an equally amazing person.
Problem is I think I've set my sights to high. That I'm dreaming impossible and putting my energy into maybe. It scares me but in the best way possible.
Problem is I think I've set my sights to high. That I'm dreaming impossible and putting my energy into maybe. It scares me but in the best way possible.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
