What I Thought Was Missing Was Here All Along

Sometimes you just have to look harder to find what you thought lost. And sometimes things will "find" themselves. Never be afraid to send a search party otherwise things mey be lost for good. But you never know when they'll come wandering back... :)

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Interesting
It's funny...life that is.

A little over a year ago I would have just come home from Summer Camp Session 5 2008 and told you it was the best camp experience of my life, etc. I also would have told you that there were certain staff members I could not stand.

About a year ago I would have been starting my Jr. year and also being in my "Rebel without a cause phase". Which backfired on me, but hey I learned something. I also would have had my first serious crush...

About 6 months ago I learned that I had pretty much landed my dream job

About 4 months ago I was finishing my Jr. year...happy and loving life. Things were good and I had accomplished so much. I was sure life couldn't get any better.

About 3 months ago Jr. Year ended and I went off to South Lake Tahoe to work my "dream job" which ended up being more like my living nightmare. Bad experience aside I learned something. I also found out my dad had lost his job. He then proceeded to stop talking to me.

About 2 months ago I was still pondering what had gone wrong in Tahoe but worked through my issue and went on a college road trip to look at schools. I knew at this point senior year would not be a walk in the park but that this is what I wanted.

About a month ago I returned home from camp, started school , turned 17 and found out my dad might be moving to Washington. When I got home from Summer Camp Session 5 2009 I really was/am a different person. Being in the oldest cabin and in WOLP changed me in the best ways possible. The same staff members that I had once had gotten on my nerves had became one of the people I was saddest to say goodbye to. I have so many awesome memories. I also met someone that has become a best friend to me. School started with a bang. I tried my hardest to show how much I cared about someone and yet the gesture although received quite well was not returned. I turned 17 without so much as a simple card from my father. Instead I receive a grumpy phone call. It is also around this time that I find out he may be moving to Washington.

Last week a friendship blossomed. Fate I swear. I had met her at camp and we started talking. Come to find out we have so much in common. We have much to offer each other. Fate is surely what I would call it. I also completed, successfully, the first part of the physical project for my Senior Project. This was also when I found out my father would not be moving.

This week...I am taking things one day at a time. I am supposed to see my father after not seeing him for 3 months. I enjoy my nightly chats with my new best friend. I love her and everything we talk and laugh about. It's nice to not be judged and to have such an amazing friend.

Next week is the future...but I know that it will be great. I have not seen my best friend in 6weeks and I will get to see her. That alone will make the entire week special.

So needless to say 4 months ago when life couldn't get any better I was wrong. Last year when I was so sure of everything things changed for the better. And right now in this moment I can truly say that I am happier than I have been in a really long time.

Here's to new friends and amazing memories to come! <3



As you can see from the date on this post I wrote this a nearly a year ago and now, because my life has changed so much since I feel the need to rewrite this in a similar fashion. And, will mostly likely write at least one more blog like this before I go off to college. So here's a taste of my life now...

A little over a year ago I would have told you how excited I was to be done with my junior year of high school and all the drama involved. I would have told you that I landed my dream job a camp in Tahoe and then a week later told you it was the worst job I could imagine. Then I would have told you that I was prepared to work my ass off senior year to be able to go to college.

About a year ago I would have been excited because I had gotten all the classes I wanted and needed with all the teachers I liked and was happy about senior year. I also would have been coming home from summer camp a changed person. Meeting some amazing people and getting to know others that had been there all along. There were irreplaceable and indescribable experiences that took place during the week that words will never fully be able to explain. My life was going great (for the most part).

About 6 months ago I would have been about mid-way through my senior year and glad, because things weren't always easy. I had received and accepted the offer to go to CSUEB. I also would have been excited and gearing up for my final winter camp session.

About 4 months ago I had returned from an amazing last winter camp session. I got in a huge fight with my dad that resulted in our now non-existent relationship. I also go into a huge fight with my best friend, which we would resolve but in the end it didn't matter our friendship did not last and was not meant to be.

About 2 months ago my senior year was beginning to wind down. We had Spring Show and then our senior days followed. It was exciting but I was glad to be nearly done.

About a month ago I said "HELLO HOME STRETCH!!" These were my final days of high school. Spent taking finals, hanging with friends, snapping pictures, signing year books, exchanging gifts and realizing that we had made differences in peoples lives. We then crossed the stage June 10th and I felt as though something shifted. Not that things are totally different now but "the rest of your life" and "going to college" were no longer the random lunch conversation topics they were now very real. I got to spend my graduation with some very important and special people in my life and for that I am grateful. If fact I am grateful for my life, for living to see my graduation day.

Last week I sat in my house, just having major dental work done and wondered. I wondered what life would be like when I was in college and if the people I call "friends" and I would stay in contact. I wondered what my final summer camp experience would be like and who would be there to share it with me.

This week...I got some of my "wonderings" answered. I am preparing for orientation on July 16th, which I am excited for. I had a friend that I had not spoken to since graduation text me and say they missed me and wanted to hang out. But best of all, someone who I thought I was growing apart from began texting me again and just the thought of us reconnecting makes me smile. Not only for the now but for the future. I continue to dream about summer camp but with a little more insight thanks to a friend :)

Next week is the future...but I know that it will be great. I have my college orientation and get to meet new people. I will get to see close family friends and it will be that much closer to when I go to summer camp.

So needless to say things are good. I am good and I need to just live in this moment. The time I have left in So-Cal is little so it's time to start living it up. I can't wait for the future holds, but I can't complain because the present is pretty damn great!

In the words of a friend:

"There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is YOU."

So true! <3

Graduation and Lessons Learned in High School

I graduate in 4 days and I am beyond excited! :)

But I felt like I should write down somethings I've learned in high school...

First-off: Girls are bitches. Mean, back-stabbing, drama causing , two faced, ungrateful, stupid, immature bitches. Sorry that was harsh... but the truth. My senior year is wrapping up very differently than I foresaw. In someways it's for the better I just wish some people could have ended friendships a little more gracefully and kindly, but like I said...immature.

Don't waste your time or change yourself. If people aren't willing to like you for you and just want to pick fights over stupid shit, then don't waste your time with them. There are enough other people that will like you (love you) for who you are. You should never have to change to fit the mold. If you're happy doing you then everyone around you needs to be okay with it too.

Grow. Change, explore, learn, try and fail. It's part of high school and (again) if people are your true friends they'll stand by you through thick and thin.

Most of all...remember it's only four years of your life and there's a lot beyond it. So be yourself and have fun.

Miss You

Only because I know you'll never read this but you know I'm better with my written words than my spoken ones.

I would give anything to go back to the beginning. I would do anything to be yours. I miss our all day text sessions and our late night chats over sodas...even if you live a hundred miles away. I miss you and us. I miss being able to tell you every thought that rolled through my mind and you serenading me when we talked on the phone. I miss worrying about texting too much and running up our phone bills. I miss 2 hours chats that would take place after 9 pm and consisted of everything from silly giggly jokes to song lyrics to the most serious though on our mind. I miss trying to help with homework via the telephone, when we were using two different versions of the program and blasting music.

I want to go back. To coordinating when to be online to maximize chat time, even when our computers were being stupid. I want to go back to not getting homework done not because I'm being lazy but because the things you would say were so much more interesting and valuable.

I miss you. I love you. I have since we first met and I still do. Because Jammies and Blankies go together

"The answers aren't so easy to find...the questions will have to do..."

The pound of bricks that was weighing on my chest is gone now thanks for asking

Everything is back to normal (for now).
Thank goodness, i wasn't sure how much I could take/ what my breaking point would be.

None the less I'm stoked for Work Weekend in like a week! :)

Gotta keep moving forward

Remembering to breathe and other important things...

Okay quick update, since my last blog I've patched things up which is good. Friendships take work and shouldn't be taken for granted, I'm working on this everyday.

Anyways. It's Monday and I'm already stressed to the max, which if you know me, is never ever a good thing. I really hate being stressed but at least right now it's stress because I'm worried (caring) about someone. For me that's easier to handle than school stress and what not. Sometimes though, I get so amazingly caught up in stuff that I feel like I forget to breathe, I mean this metaphorically, it's just that when everything is so crazy sometimes you can bring yourself back to earth and that's how I feel right now. It's super ironic because we've been doing these assignments in English and one question was how have life's experiences affected your views. And I wrote, no lie, don't sweat the small stuff. Which is exactly what I'm doing. I need to relax and do what I can to help but not let things consume me.

"you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink."
"you can offer your hand but the other person has to take it."

More later.

:/

I hate Valentine's Day.

Okay so maybe I shouldn't have such strong feeling for a day but I do. And maybe I hate it because I've never been dating anyone on Valentine's Day. That must be it. The best Valentine's Day I can recall happened when I was in 6th grade. My two youth group leaders, Brittany and Janelle, brought me a little gift bag and a carnation and dropped it off in my school office. I felt so special getting to be the one in my class going to the office to pick something up....good times. Anyways, I thought this year might actually top that. This year my "best friend" (and I say it like that because I don't even know if we're still friends, let alone best friends)and I were going to go all out for each other. Cards, gifts, dinner the whole thing. We're both single and figured it would be fun. And then Tuesday the 2nd of February happened.

I arrived at school early much like any other day and ventured down to one of our teacher's rooms because I had a question in regard to using the school sound system for our French Club's Mardi Gras celebration that was going to be off site. I was pretty sure my "best friend" would be in his room which would make leaving the comfort of my car that much better and we pretty much met up and talked every morning anyway. So I open the door and there she is. "Cool" I think to myself.I open my mouth to say good morning, how are you and am met with. "I'm NOT having a good morning I DON'T want to talk about it LEAVE ME ALONE." Well, if you couldn't guess that kinda set the tone for my day. So I said (as politely as possible) "Well actually I didn't come in here to talk to you. I came because I need to talk to Mr.E". "Oh" she says and then stands there and (what felt to me) starred my down. So I left. I could take care of sound system business later. She ignored me the rest of the day. Was I hurt? You bet. So I decided the next day I would not speak to her. I wasn't rude about (or at least I wasn't trying to be) she asked "are you not speaking to me?" and I simply answered "yes". I didn't ignored her, I still looked at her and whatnot and if there had been some monumental thing I needed to say I would have. ( I realize now maybe this wasn't the best plan but I was trying to make a point). So the next day I get to class (we have 1st period together) she doesn't say anything to me. She doesn't walk with me to 2nd. I realize she's mad and have all intentions of apologizing to her ASAP. I see her coming toward me between 3rd and 4th. She says "Are you speaking to me today?" and I answer "Yes, and..." before I can finish and apologize for the previous day and tell her why I did what I did I'm met with "Well to bad. Because I'm mad at you and not speaking to you still." (Don't quote me on any of this) Then she turns and walks away from me. And since that point almost 2 weeks ago we haven't spoken.

And here's the thing. Part of me is relieved, not because I don't love and care about her but because, I realize now, that without all of our stupid drama and sillyness I have no major attachment to high school. Sure I have other friends, some I will stay close to forever, some I won't. But without her around I could close up. I not being vulnerable, and not really having fun. I'm closed off. Just going through the motions and emotions of each day. And the other part of me is ready to break down and cry. I miss a lot about our friendship. There I said it. So every time I've said I'm glad, I'm good, I happy to be rid of the drama. It's true but not completely. There's still part of me that's not ready to let go and give up.

So here it is: I'm sorry. Maybe it wasn't right for me to do what I did. But at the same time friends don't get mad at friends over things they didn't do. All I wanted to do is reach out and make sure you were okay.

I know that neither one of us is perfect. I know that I have drama and I can be as annoying as hell. She can too. But that's why we've always been there for one another. Why we love each other.

I still love you. I still care. I miss you. I'm sorry. Let's start over, try again. Take things slow and use words. Okay?

I still want to know when you find the best hotdog stand :)