I hate Valentine's Day.
Okay so maybe I shouldn't have such strong feeling for a day but I do. And maybe I hate it because I've never been dating anyone on Valentine's Day. That must be it. The best Valentine's Day I can recall happened when I was in 6th grade. My two youth group leaders, Brittany and Janelle, brought me a little gift bag and a carnation and dropped it off in my school office. I felt so special getting to be the one in my class going to the office to pick something up....good times. Anyways, I thought this year might actually top that. This year my "best friend" (and I say it like that because I don't even know if we're still friends, let alone best friends)and I were going to go all out for each other. Cards, gifts, dinner the whole thing. We're both single and figured it would be fun. And then Tuesday the 2nd of February happened.
I arrived at school early much like any other day and ventured down to one of our teacher's rooms because I had a question in regard to using the school sound system for our French Club's Mardi Gras celebration that was going to be off site. I was pretty sure my "best friend" would be in his room which would make leaving the comfort of my car that much better and we pretty much met up and talked every morning anyway. So I open the door and there she is. "Cool" I think to myself.I open my mouth to say good morning, how are you and am met with. "I'm NOT having a good morning I DON'T want to talk about it LEAVE ME ALONE." Well, if you couldn't guess that kinda set the tone for my day. So I said (as politely as possible) "Well actually I didn't come in here to talk to you. I came because I need to talk to Mr.E". "Oh" she says and then stands there and (what felt to me) starred my down. So I left. I could take care of sound system business later. She ignored me the rest of the day. Was I hurt? You bet. So I decided the next day I would not speak to her. I wasn't rude about (or at least I wasn't trying to be) she asked "are you not speaking to me?" and I simply answered "yes". I didn't ignored her, I still looked at her and whatnot and if there had been some monumental thing I needed to say I would have. ( I realize now maybe this wasn't the best plan but I was trying to make a point). So the next day I get to class (we have 1st period together) she doesn't say anything to me. She doesn't walk with me to 2nd. I realize she's mad and have all intentions of apologizing to her ASAP. I see her coming toward me between 3rd and 4th. She says "Are you speaking to me today?" and I answer "Yes, and..." before I can finish and apologize for the previous day and tell her why I did what I did I'm met with "Well to bad. Because I'm mad at you and not speaking to you still." (Don't quote me on any of this) Then she turns and walks away from me. And since that point almost 2 weeks ago we haven't spoken.
And here's the thing. Part of me is relieved, not because I don't love and care about her but because, I realize now, that without all of our stupid drama and sillyness I have no major attachment to high school. Sure I have other friends, some I will stay close to forever, some I won't. But without her around I could close up. I not being vulnerable, and not really having fun. I'm closed off. Just going through the motions and emotions of each day. And the other part of me is ready to break down and cry. I miss a lot about our friendship. There I said it. So every time I've said I'm glad, I'm good, I happy to be rid of the drama. It's true but not completely. There's still part of me that's not ready to let go and give up.
So here it is: I'm sorry. Maybe it wasn't right for me to do what I did. But at the same time friends don't get mad at friends over things they didn't do. All I wanted to do is reach out and make sure you were okay.
I know that neither one of us is perfect. I know that I have drama and I can be as annoying as hell. She can too. But that's why we've always been there for one another. Why we love each other.
I still love you. I still care. I miss you. I'm sorry. Let's start over, try again. Take things slow and use words. Okay?
I still want to know when you find the best hotdog stand :)
Sunday, February 14, 2010
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