I’m sorry that I’m exhausted and say shit without thinking. I thought you of all people would understand that. I also thought that while I was busy having a rough time you might put your shit on hold for two seconds and help me out. I guess not. Maybe I was wrong for doing this whole friendship thing…I mean I’m sorry for anything I’ve said, but you have to cut me a little slack and realize I’m only human. I feel like my heart is being pulled wide open. I let you in. I started to let others in and now… Idk you tell me and say it’s no big and then you act all weird and shit. Fml. I swear. Its like it’s never enough or it’s too much or I take my jokes too far or my off handed comment is too much. Fuck. I always manage to hurt the people that matter most and push them away when I need them the most. I don’t know how much more of this I can take….

you

you’re the reason that i love everything but hate it at the same time. you drive me insane and i love you for that. you made me let you in and now im afraid of what would happen if you werent around…

my story never seems to have a happy ending and instead of the princess being saved from the dragon she always seems to get eaten. which is why i worry about each and every tomorrow even when each and every today is fairy tale perfect. I worry about the future and i worry about the past. the things i say, the jokes i make, the tears i cry and giggles that without fail, always happen

im afraid of fucking this up. because that, i feel, is the general trend in my life. everyone sees happy, excited, confident me, but really i have more issues than anyone will ever know. i wonder sometimes, why it is that i even have so many friends. because lets be honest, i can be a high maintenance pain in the ass, that cries about stupid shit because i always put my whole heart out there, which gets me hurt and then i vent and vent and wont shut up.

i guess the whole base of this post is, im going to see my best friend since 7th grade today.(we’ve been friends 7 years) he’s up here in norcal with a friend and they’re spending the day in SF. and as a rule, and a good one at that, im not allowed to go to the city by myself. so im taking other bestie from here at school with me. (we’ve only been friends 5 months) and im all good and shit and i think theyll get along but its like, i seriously feel like the friendships are on the same level.

is that even possible?

too many questions. my head is spinning, i hate/love this. i just want to be happy, without the looming doubt and fear that things arent really perfect and im just being played and that someone is going to come along and tell me my life is worth nothing.

yea, thats a whole other issue for some other time, but thanks dad for always telling me i was shit, its gonna take years to undo the damage you’ve done.

BLAH

I just gotta trust that this is my new beginning and that life can really be this great.

Yep

They say that true love hurts, well this could almost kill me.
Young love murder, that is what this must be.
I would give it all to not be sleeping alone.

The Harold Song-Ke$ha

AHH Life.

Life is crazy and amazing all at once. I'm happy and annoyed all at once. I don't think I ever remember feeling this way before. I am truly happy, like nothing I have ever ever ever felt before in my life. My friends are amazing and I love them to death. My bestie is awesome. She makes me a better person, without even trying and she knows how to make me smile.

From Facebook: "I love college. I truly do. I have the best friends on the entire planet."

I do, I really really do. This is a true statement. And yet something just, I don't know. There's something within me that's so scared to be close to people. And up until tonight I hadn't felt it. Like I had been fine. Everything was fine, perfect even. Like I flying. And then I leave and come back and my insecurities come back. My friends had done such an amazing job at making me feel awesome. And not that I don't still feel happy and like I'm flying but I don't know. Maybe it has nothing to do with insecurities about who I am. Maybe it's because I want something more. That something that I can't have because I'm not allowed to. And I know in my heart I don't want it. All I want is to be let in completely, honestly and fully.

Honesty is something that I require. And my biggest annoyance is when people say that they have something to tell me and then don't. All I want is you to tell me. To hold me close and never ever have our friend be torn apart. By time or distance or anything else.

My love for you is unlike any other. My world, smile and what I need to be happy. This is not going to work. Your mark on my life is permanent and I don't want it to only be a small mark, I want it to be a masterpiece. So here I go. It's all out now. Deep breath. I am okay and I am loved. We are okay and nothing will ever break our friendship apart. We can handle anything the world throws our way as long as we're together.

I am strong, smart and loved.

The End.

A Thank You

To someone who has no idea that one simple gesture sparked such an amazing friendship. I just wanted to take the time to say thank you for taking the time to introduce us. Had you not, my life would be very different. So this is a simple thanks to say you are awesome and thank you for what you did.

And to my bestie (who is because of this simple gesture) I freaking love you more than anything. You keep me going girl, and there's not much I wouldn't do for you. <3

To go with "The Light..." (my poetry post)

Well I actually didn't write the poem so much for me/ about me as I did a friend. Of course looking at it now it could have been written about a situation (hell numerous situations) in my life. The poem was written based on a conversation a had with a friend about someone's inability to be a true friend and be honest with others.

But this isn't going to be a negative post...

This is where I'm going to say thanks. To the person behind the poem (and all things she says that make me smile). My strength and inspiration. My very own personal help line. The person who, without, I don't think I would have been able to face some of the trials I've faced this past year without. When I didn't know where else to turn, I turned to you and you ALWAYS knew just what to say to fix it or give me a better outlook. Your strength is admirable and the pieces of advice you have given me thus far, incomparable. The time we spend to together, no matter what we are doing, I would not trade for the world. I am grateful everyday for our friendship and when I think I can't go on another day something you say pops up in my mind and I'm able to pick myself up and go on. So thank you for being my friend. (and I hope I don't sound like a creeper) But my life has been changed for the better because of you.


"You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend... "
-For Good

"Somehow you saw someone worth saving
You pulled me back into the light
Now if ever I can rescue you,
When you need two arms to fall into
You know exactly where I'll be
Just look for me
Oh look for me"
-Rescue You

The Best Summer of My Life...I think so!

Okay so here it is straight up...summer 2010 thus far has been the best summer ever! I've already had so much fun and gotten to hang out with people that I haven't gotten to spend time with in the past, it's great.
And the best part is it's only August 1st and I don't leave for college until mid-September so that means...a whole more month and half of summer, during which I will turn 18. Pretty Sweet? Yes I think so :)

And here's typical me for you...I've learned something...
That is: I'm glad that certain people are out of my life. Certain people have become a stronger presence and some things will never change. Which is all good. But truly the best is having certain people gone. The people that would put a damper on my day, the people that locked me in and made me afraid to express myself, the people I loved but secretly sometimes hated. Because of the drama they caused the feelings they hurt and the moments they took from me, that could have been used toward others that loved me more. Jacked up? Yes. I think so.

I also discovered how much fun it is just to be. Meaning it's nice to just be with people, no crazy extensive plan required. Those moments of just "being" and "chilling" are my favorite they are what I crave. They are when I am most free and having the most fun.

So remember that the people that are meant to be in your life will stay around. The people you are meant to reconnect with or connect further, it will happen just be patient. The people who poison your euphoric world, they be gone sooner or late, either by their own choice (when they're done using you) or by yours (when you tell them you're done with their BS). Spending time just discovering yourself and being silly is just as important as being structured and serious.


Highlights thus far:

• Hang out days with Chris (geocaching and piano lessons at CSULB)
  
• Hang out days with Kristen (Ummm...having more fun than words can explain...just we're just that cool)
  
• Hang out days with Carissa (getting starbucks, eating scones, talking college, getting Tiger Tail donuts, going to Target)
• Hanging out with Gina
  
• College Orientation (and everything involved with NorCal)
• Going to Disneyland (x3) (Once with Serena, once with my mom and then with Kendall)
• Getting my laptop
• Jaeger Family Dinners

Things coming up (that are gonna rock my socks)

• Going to my last summer camp session
• Turning 18!!!!!!!
• Helping friends move-in to their dorms
• More hang out sessions with good friends before we all go our own separate ways
• More Jaeger Family Dinners?!?!??
• Getting one of my tattoos (hopefully)

Summer 2010 is SWEET!!!!! :) <3