I’m sorry that I’m exhausted and say shit without thinking. I thought you of all people would understand that. I also thought that while I was busy having a rough time you might put your shit on hold for two seconds and help me out. I guess not. Maybe I was wrong for doing this whole friendship thing…I mean I’m sorry for anything I’ve said, but you have to cut me a little slack and realize I’m only human. I feel like my heart is being pulled wide open. I let you in. I started to let others in and now… Idk you tell me and say it’s no big and then you act all weird and shit. Fml. I swear. Its like it’s never enough or it’s too much or I take my jokes too far or my off handed comment is too much. Fuck. I always manage to hurt the people that matter most and push them away when I need them the most. I don’t know how much more of this I can take….

you

you’re the reason that i love everything but hate it at the same time. you drive me insane and i love you for that. you made me let you in and now im afraid of what would happen if you werent around…

my story never seems to have a happy ending and instead of the princess being saved from the dragon she always seems to get eaten. which is why i worry about each and every tomorrow even when each and every today is fairy tale perfect. I worry about the future and i worry about the past. the things i say, the jokes i make, the tears i cry and giggles that without fail, always happen

im afraid of fucking this up. because that, i feel, is the general trend in my life. everyone sees happy, excited, confident me, but really i have more issues than anyone will ever know. i wonder sometimes, why it is that i even have so many friends. because lets be honest, i can be a high maintenance pain in the ass, that cries about stupid shit because i always put my whole heart out there, which gets me hurt and then i vent and vent and wont shut up.

i guess the whole base of this post is, im going to see my best friend since 7th grade today.(we’ve been friends 7 years) he’s up here in norcal with a friend and they’re spending the day in SF. and as a rule, and a good one at that, im not allowed to go to the city by myself. so im taking other bestie from here at school with me. (we’ve only been friends 5 months) and im all good and shit and i think theyll get along but its like, i seriously feel like the friendships are on the same level.

is that even possible?

too many questions. my head is spinning, i hate/love this. i just want to be happy, without the looming doubt and fear that things arent really perfect and im just being played and that someone is going to come along and tell me my life is worth nothing.

yea, thats a whole other issue for some other time, but thanks dad for always telling me i was shit, its gonna take years to undo the damage you’ve done.

BLAH

I just gotta trust that this is my new beginning and that life can really be this great.

Yep

They say that true love hurts, well this could almost kill me.
Young love murder, that is what this must be.
I would give it all to not be sleeping alone.

The Harold Song-Ke$ha